I Was Addicted to Chaos. But, I Crave Peace. There was a time when I mistook chaos for passion, when I thought love had to be intense, dramatic, and unpredictable to be real.

I Was Addicted to Chaos. But, I Crave Peace.

There was a time when I mistook chaos for passion, when I thought love had to be intense, dramatic, and unpredictable to be real.

I used to chase the people who didn’t choose me back. The ones who made me question my worth. The ones who would leave, come back, and leave again , because I let them.

I didn’t realize it then, but I was addicted to the highs and lows of toxic love. The anxiety? The overthinking? The never knowing where I stood? I called it excitement. I thought it meant I felt deeply.

The truth?

I was confusing emotional instability with connection.

I remember one night, sitting in my car after another argument that left me feeling hollow. My heart was pounding, my mind racing, wondering what I had done wrong this time, how I could fix it, how I could make them love me in a way they never seemed to. And then it hit me: why am I fighting so hard for someone who barely fights for me?

That moment wasn’t my grand breakthrough, but it was the start of one. Because once you see the truth, you can’t unsee it. Little by little, I started paying attention, to the way I always had to prove my worth, to how “love” felt like an endless audition, to how exhausted I was from trying to hold together something that was always falling apart.

So I walked away, not just from them, but from the version of me that accepted so little. And I grieved. Hard. Because when you finally let go of chaos, peace feels like loneliness at first. But then? Something shifts.

What cleared it for me wasn’t just time. it was tuning into my own instinctual energies, by embracing my masculine.

I had spent so long in wounded, reactive energy, waiting to be chosen, waiting for love to “just happen,” waiting for someone to finally give me the stability I craved. But the truth was, I had to create that stability within myself first. My masculine energy, my ability to set boundaries, to lead myself, to stand firm in my own worth—was what saved me. It was what let me step back, observe, and choose myself first.

Now?

💖 I don’t chase. I align.

💖 I don’t settle for breadcrumbs. I expect the whole damn cake.

💖 I don’t romanticize inconsistency. I crave calm, steady, soul-deep love.

And the wildest part? When I stopped tolerating chaos, my life got quieter. My mind got clearer. And the love I always wanted? It found me, because I finally believed I deserved it.

If you’ve ever had to unlearn toxic love, I see you. I feel you. And I want to know there is freedom for you.